ytipidnereS

I feel like people are never understanding the words coming out of my mouth. I have always put a lot of value in communication. I was the daughter of a therapist so I always feel this need to talk shit out. I never thought about the fact that because my mother was a therapist I was deluded into believing that people would respond to me like her. People do not want to talk about things. In fact most people want to do the exact opposite. Its just not me. I'm just not someone who can hide things from myself or anyone else. I have to voice my feelings, and I need a response. I cannot stand these games we are supposed to play. I know I talk about relationships a lot, and people believe that I do so because I am obsessed about being in one. That isn't really the case. I am obsessed with relationships. The whole spectrum. I am obsessed with human involvement. I just hate going through the motions to get to the real stuff. I feel like people should be able to speak freely without worrying about what they are tying themselves into. Honesty is such a difficult thing to come by when it comes to relationships. Which is odd because isn't that we have relationships? Don't we get into relationships so we can find someone to share ourselves with?

The reason I am even ranting about this right now is because I am in a frustrating situation romantically. When I have attempted to explain my frustrations both to the people I am frustrated with or my compadres, they cannot seem to understand. They want to make it about all of these other things and blow it up. Basically the gist is that the series of events that have happened recently are basically unfair and unfortunate and there is nothing I can do about it. There is a lot of wrong place, wrong time. I am aggravated with the fact that somehow I managed to be consumed in a relationship with a person I didn't even like for four years. The father of my child and I never got along. We had absolutely nothing in common. We came from different places, and wanted different things. I always used to say it proved those things didn't really matter, but they did. We weren't compatible and in the end, were forced by the animosity we had for each other, to separate. It was unpleasant and unfair and neither one of us wanted to do it. We loved each other, though that word is becoming more elusive to me everyday, but we could not and will not ever work. So, I accepted that. I wished him no ill will and tried to maintain any resemblance of normalcy. After awhile it worked out and I was starting to want to go out and see what was out there for me. Let me state this up front, I am not looking for a relationship. I know what I am capable of and it is not that. I wanted a casual relationship. Someone to hang out with and share some affection, but who will go home the next day. So, I picked this person that I knew would want the same thing. He is a great person and I always really enjoyed him, but I never wanted to date him. Its something that I can't really explain. We had the  opportunity, but I just never felt that way about him. None the less I called him up one day and made the situation available to him.

It started out fantastic which is generally how it starts. We have a similar sense of humor and physically we are a match. I was surprised how all of the things that had bothered me about him were things I almost found intriguing. It opened me up to things that I didn't think I would enjoy. This is the reason I am obsessed with relationships. You learn so much about yourself when you get involved with someone new. Everything is surprising and exciting, however, that always wears off. At some point you start to get comfortable. You start to make these categories. Like I mentioned before these pros and cons. You start to think about where they fit in your life or if they fit at all. Then it starts being less and less honest. There starts to be this hesitation. Every question begins to mean more than it did before. You cant be free anymore because you could start filling up that cons column and not even know its happening. And why all of a sudden do you care anyways? Its irritating, it is unfortunate, and it is inevitable. He brought up quite a few times that he felt I was looking for a relationship with him. He is still under the impression that I want more from him than a once a week companion, which honestly I really don't. Well that made me wonder. Why don't I? Why don't I want to be with this guy? He comes from a good family, he is intelligent. Good god he is sexy and sweet and strong and there is no relationship. It isn't going to happen and I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't understand why two people that mix so well, and have admitted that they like each other, for whatever reason cannot fit together.

Sometimes I think that maybe he is right, maybe I do want these things from him. I was looking at him the other night and he was just so handsome. I thought "this guy is a really is a catch." But honestly I think it is because that man can wear a baseball cap like nobody's business. I know there is no way to explain that and you fully understand. I am completely aware of how ridiculous it sounds, but that boy can wear one. He calls me gorgeous. Which actually makes me cringe a bit. A friend and I have a joke about women who ask you questions so that you will lie to them, such as; " If I got really fat would you still love me?" We always make this reference in conversation "Some girls just want to be called gorgeous." Every time he says it I wonder if he is saying it for that reason. Another word he uses is sexy, which is hilarious to me. I am so uncoordinated and strange my friends. I never know what I'm doing. I don't have game in that regard. It is nice that he thinks so and I enjoy our interaction even though at times it is a little bittersweet. I guess there is just a time and place for everyone. In reality there are a lot of reasons why we would never be together on both sides. When you are in it though, filling up your folder, it can be so fun that you don't know why you don't want more than some snap shots and sound bites. It can be frustrating that things are not black and white, and sometimes I do wish that things were boring and simple. When I really think about it though, all of the people I have experienced, I don't think I'd ever give up the gray.