Ranting and Raving.. and then Comfortably Ignoring

So I do a lot of my blogging at work.

My job consists of talking to people with just a bit too much money and a bit too much time. Two things I never seem to have enough of. It is always odd when you work for a company that you could never afford to actually use. I do customer service for the Kindle, which if you haven't heard is this super nifty device that holds thousands of books and can connect to the internet from over 100 countries.

I really think people just like to have things. I think people just want something to watch, something to unwrap and figure out, and show to people. I don't think they care if they actually need it or really even pay attention to what its for a lot of the time. I have people call me all day long that have found the time to have an emotion about this simple electronic device. I actually had a woman crying at work because she couldn't download a book properly. I was hoping that her sniveling was the cause of a long day, or maybe several long days and this was just the breaking point. I fear though that she simply had nothing else to feel bad about at the moment. I wanted to tell her to hang up the phone and call a therapist. If this is causing you to break down on the phone with a stranger then you need a break. Go get a cappuccino and a cookie or something. 

I don't mean to sound insensitive or anything, but I just have a thousand other things to be upset about. Life itself is something to be upset about. I feel like people don't feel life anymore. They feel through the things they have.


I think the powers that be have gotten smarter. Before it was obvious that the poor were being muted. There are liqour stores on every corner in the ghetto.. we'll keep you drunk and dumb and you'll never matter because you'll never care to matter. But now they have X-boxes and the IPhone and 114.00 jeans that for some reason are better than 20.00 jeans. They've muted us. They've made us believe that these are the things that matter. These are the things that we should crave and need and set goals for. I can't even escape it myself. Obsessing over the color of a stroller or the fact that I need my kitchen accessories to match. It is insane. The fact that there are more people online shopping than voting is something to definitely be worrying about. There is a war going on. An actual war people. It's been going on for oh... ten years. Ten. Do you understand how insane that it is that our country has been at war with several other countries for a decade and our lives have not changed. We are still sitting around apathetic, and sick with American consumer mentality. I don't mean to go all activist on you but seriously.. where are the activists? In France they are setting cars on fire because of Pension Reform. Do you even know what pension reform is? We don't even teach Civics in school anymore. Do you understand that our government doesn't think its important to teach its people about their.. government. Is that not odd?

The government should fear its people. they don't even know we exist. We sit and eat and watch youtube. What is there to worry about? We are all ignorant. We don't understand our government and we don't care to because ultimately they are not bothering us enough to do anything about it. Especially being a poor person, it isn't like they can take anything from me.. I don't have anything to take. So I feel for the apathetic youths of the world. Why fight when you can just live under the radar?


If you have an answer let me know.

"Well Who Ever Told You That Life Was Fair"

I know thousands upon thousands of women are pregnant everyday, but I want you to know if you have never experienced it, that it sucks. You have no control over your body or your mind. You have to understand that this little baby.. that doesn't even know it exists is now in control of the rest of your life. I work full time, and I want to say it is a crime. All pregnant women should have to do is sit on a couch and eat ice cream until the day they have to go through the painful and indescribable process of labor. It isn't fair.And fuck whoever says "Well who said life is fair". Fuck you and your inability to let me be a bitter, whining, American. How about I beat you mercilessly and pour salt in your wounds while dancing around you saying "well who ever told you that life was fair"

You want to know what else isn't fair? That I have nothing to talk about anymore besides being pregnant. It has taken over my life, because well.. it is my life now. I don't go out, I don't read interesting books, or talk about interesting things.. I go to work, come home, and sit until I pass out because I literally don't have the energy (mentally or physically) to do anything else. I cooked dinner the other day and it was comparable to fighting a minotaur after completing the labyrinth. I am a complete drag to be around. ha. Most people probably just wish I would have the damn thing already, but you know what it won't be any better then. After I do finally have this child all I will talk about it him. When I have a screaming newborn.. I really really won't have a life anymore.ha. Not to mention the fact that I am the soul provider for my family so I have to be responsible not only for myself but for the sniveling children I already have... the boys.

Now I am not a man hating angry should be lesbian... okay maybe I am.

Actually I have no idea how I ended up with the boy I am with. He is nothing I thought I wanted, but I had to have him for some reason. We met in a DMV.. yeah what a love story. It was the first and only time that I have ever just walked up to someone and gave them my number. Well I gave his dad my number, because by the time I actually grew the balls and starting walking across the floor he wasn't there anymore and I couldn't turn around. So I gave my number to his father making up some super lame and probably really obvious lie about how I was a photography student and I wanted to talk his picture for an opening I was having. So I guess we really met on Halloween where I took this unknowing, ford driving , Goodwill Hunting potential having, trailer park white boy to a live show of the Rocky Horror Picture show. I was dressed as a dominatrix in fishnets and a corset and he was dressed as himself.. a dirty white boy from Newport News Virgina. Beautiful right? I introduced him to all the faggots ( if you are offended, shut up.. you are what you are) and weirdies who were all similarly dressed as slaves and masters, and suprisingly he got along quite well. Well here we are almost two years later having a baby. What the fuck is that?

This is Todd who is completely incapable of keeping his eyes open when you take his picture.  He always looks awful in photographs. I honestly have maybe 6 photos of him and all of them are awful. This is about as good as it gets.


So I don't know where I am going with this. Maybe this is just some insight into who I am. This is my life. Todd, baby, work. It isn't fun or exciting, but it is my little piece of existence.

Pinback - "Fortress"

Tom Waits is a god Among men

Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me 
Lay down in the green grass
Remember when you loved me 
Come closer don't be shy
Stand beneath a rainy sky 
The moon is over the rise 
Think of me as a train goes by
Clear the thistles and brambles
Whistle 'Didn't He Ramble' 
Now there's a bubble of me 
and it's floating in thee 
Stand in the shade of me 
Things are now made of me 
The weather vane will say:
It smells like rain today 
God took the stars and he tossed 'em
Can't tell the birds from the blossoms
You'll never be free of me
He'll make a tree from me
Don't say good bye to me 
Describe the sky to me 
And if the sky falls,
mark my words we'll catch mocking birds
Lay your head where my heart used to be
Hold the earth above me 
Lay down in the green grass 
Remember when you loved me

Well here we are again text box.

So I haven't written anything in a while. I used to write constantly always marking down any thought or situation.. then I started realizing that each new thing I wrote was a slightly varied version of the last. I needed to work, and not on my writing but on myself. I did what we all do when we reach our 20's and start figuring out that not only is there no parade for your achievements, but in the grand scheme you haven't achieved anything at all. I had to break it all down. I had to find out what I really thought, who I even really was. When you are ever-changing it is hard to stamp anything as fact. When you are ever-changing and dysfunctional then you really have a hard time separating reality from all the crap you've told yourself is real. I feel like I am always contradicting myself, saying.. "I'm this way" and then quickly saying, "Well I guess sometimes I'm that." So I don't think I have necessarily figured it all out by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm on a track... maybe not the right one.. but on one none the less.


So, I'm pregnant.


For some reason it still feels like I'm saying.."So, I'm a failure". It isn't like I'm 16, or homeless, or I'm on Maury having my 15th paternity test (really.. that dude hasn't had a show with a panel of anyone besides broke busted crying women in like 6 years.. you can only get pregnant a week out of the month.....really only 3 days. And if I thought any of those men could possibly be the father of my child. I would want to hide that from myself much less the rest of the world. just sayin, we all fuck up, but we all don't need to know about it), but I still can't help feeling like I have lost everything. Don't get me wrong, I love children, I want children, but no matter how liberal I think I am, I feel like things were supposed to happen in this cookie cutter way. I was supposed to finish college, I was suppose to get married, I was supposed to have a home, and then I was supposed to have children. Instead of it being something people are happy about it something people are worried about. When people can ask you things like "Do you know who the father is?" or " Should I say congratulations or I'm sorry?" it makes you realize that no matter who you are there is one accepted way to walk through life. Not that these questions offend me or upset me in any way.. I understand where they come from. I know who I was not all that long ago and I would be skeptical too. It just feels like this isn't the way it was supposed to be. This isn't my life. It's like I am waiting for the film to stop and pull away and show me sitting on a couch at 35 smiling and talking about how fun it was to play the role. Maybe being pregnant, or more so the idea of being a mother is just so utterly surreal. Maybe it wouldn't matter where I was in life. The idea of this being coming from my body with half of me in it and it will think, and walk around my house, and ask me things, and need me... it is just so fucking odd. For being the most natural normal thing in the world it has a way of taking all the rational logic you have and blowing it to tiny bits.


The question I hate the most?

"Are you excited?". First of all people excitement is not an everlasting emotion. Nausea is a constant, exhaustion is a constant, excitement.... uh not so much. If you say that you are now the woman who hates her baby. I feel like again people have this idea of life that is just simply fictional. No I do not wake up every morning jumping for joy that I am pregnant. I am too much of a realist to not be scared out of my mind, and if you aren't you should be. To those who aren't.. I am not as happy for you as you are. Strangers do not want you to pull out your ultrasounds, we do not want an update. At least I don't. And if you run into those ladies who actually care what is going on with you just as much as you do ... run.. they want your first born.  Just because I am not running around with "I'm expecting" printed in large letters on my maternity tee doesn't mean I don't love my son, it means I'm not insane.


Also.. to the 15 year old girls of today


Stop.. right now wherever you are. If you ever come up to me to talk about how great it would be to be pregnant I will not be happy for you. I will not tell you it is a good idea, or that Yeah you could totally support a family with your 7.25 an hour paycheck from McDonalds. Never gonna happen. What I will tell you is that you're stupid.. very very stupid, and young, and completely and entirely unprepared. Do you want to know why? Because it is the truth. Children are not accessories. They are not puppies, or purses, or something for people to come be proud of you for. No one is going to come oohing and awing over the fact that you have the ability to get yourself pregnant. You know who else can do that... Every Other Creature On The Planet. The real task should be graduating college.. I hear that one can be difficult or I don't know loving yourself so you will not be thinking of creating another being to get your boyfriend to stay with you. These are not good reasons to have children. Boredom also not a reason to have a child. Go dye your hair, more fun, and usually temporary. I don't understand. When I was 16 I wanted to smoke pot not have a baby. I mean yeah girls get pregnant at all ages for all different reasons, and shit happens, but to go out of your way to make it happen. I hate you in a real way. You are selfish. You are not concerned about the child that is going to be swimming in your lady parts. Babies don't stay babies. They get bigger and you have to teach them to speak and do algebra and not go impregnating someone else at 15 so you aren't a grandmother at 30. So just roll it over for a bit.. just a suggestion.

So there is my rant about that...there will be more whether you like it or not.