So I haven't written anything in a while. I used to write constantly always marking down any thought or situation.. then I started realizing that each new thing I wrote was a slightly varied version of the last. I needed to work, and not on my writing but on myself. I did what we all do when we reach our 20's and start figuring out that not only is there no parade for your achievements, but in the grand scheme you haven't achieved anything at all. I had to break it all down. I had to find out what I really thought, who I even really was. When you are ever-changing it is hard to stamp anything as fact. When you are ever-changing and dysfunctional then you really have a hard time separating reality from all the crap you've told yourself is real. I feel like I am always contradicting myself, saying.. "I'm this way" and then quickly saying, "Well I guess sometimes I'm that." So I don't think I have necessarily figured it all out by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm on a track... maybe not the right one.. but on one none the less.
So, I'm pregnant.
For some reason it still feels like I'm saying.."So, I'm a failure". It isn't like I'm 16, or homeless, or I'm on Maury having my 15th paternity test (really.. that dude hasn't had a show with a panel of anyone besides broke busted crying women in like 6 years.. you can only get pregnant a week out of the month.....really only 3 days. And if I thought any of those men could possibly be the father of my child. I would want to hide that from myself much less the rest of the world. just sayin, we all fuck up, but we all don't need to know about it), but I still can't help feeling like I have lost everything. Don't get me wrong, I love children, I want children, but no matter how liberal I think I am, I feel like things were supposed to happen in this cookie cutter way. I was supposed to finish college, I was suppose to get married, I was supposed to have a home, and then I was supposed to have children. Instead of it being something people are happy about it something people are worried about. When people can ask you things like "Do you know who the father is?" or " Should I say congratulations or I'm sorry?" it makes you realize that no matter who you are there is one accepted way to walk through life. Not that these questions offend me or upset me in any way.. I understand where they come from. I know who I was not all that long ago and I would be skeptical too. It just feels like this isn't the way it was supposed to be. This isn't my life. It's like I am waiting for the film to stop and pull away and show me sitting on a couch at 35 smiling and talking about how fun it was to play the role. Maybe being pregnant, or more so the idea of being a mother is just so utterly surreal. Maybe it wouldn't matter where I was in life. The idea of this being coming from my body with half of me in it and it will think, and walk around my house, and ask me things, and need me... it is just so fucking odd. For being the most natural normal thing in the world it has a way of taking all the rational logic you have and blowing it to tiny bits.
The question I hate the most?
"Are you excited?". First of all people excitement is not an everlasting emotion. Nausea is a constant, exhaustion is a constant, excitement.... uh not so much. If you say that you are now the woman who hates her baby. I feel like again people have this idea of life that is just simply fictional. No I do not wake up every morning jumping for joy that I am pregnant. I am too much of a realist to not be scared out of my mind, and if you aren't you should be. To those who aren't.. I am not as happy for you as you are. Strangers do not want you to pull out your ultrasounds, we do not want an update. At least I don't. And if you run into those ladies who actually care what is going on with you just as much as you do ... run.. they want your first born. Just because I am not running around with "I'm expecting" printed in large letters on my maternity tee doesn't mean I don't love my son, it means I'm not insane.
Also.. to the 15 year old girls of today
Stop.. right now wherever you are. If you ever come up to me to talk about how great it would be to be pregnant I will not be happy for you. I will not tell you it is a good idea, or that Yeah you could totally support a family with your 7.25 an hour paycheck from McDonalds. Never gonna happen. What I will tell you is that you're stupid.. very very stupid, and young, and completely and entirely unprepared. Do you want to know why? Because it is the truth. Children are not accessories. They are not puppies, or purses, or something for people to come be proud of you for. No one is going to come oohing and awing over the fact that you have the ability to get yourself pregnant. You know who else can do that... Every Other Creature On The Planet. The real task should be graduating college.. I hear that one can be difficult or I don't know loving yourself so you will not be thinking of creating another being to get your boyfriend to stay with you. These are not good reasons to have children. Boredom also not a reason to have a child. Go dye your hair, more fun, and usually temporary. I don't understand. When I was 16 I wanted to smoke pot not have a baby. I mean yeah girls get pregnant at all ages for all different reasons, and shit happens, but to go out of your way to make it happen. I hate you in a real way. You are selfish. You are not concerned about the child that is going to be swimming in your lady parts. Babies don't stay babies. They get bigger and you have to teach them to speak and do algebra and not go impregnating someone else at 15 so you aren't a grandmother at 30. So just roll it over for a bit.. just a suggestion.
So there is my rant about that...there will be more whether you like it or not.
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