Dear God, what has happened. All this time walking blindly. All this time paying out, and sucking it up, and forgiving. Its all gone, and I feel sometimes like the air has been drained from me. Everything I express is bullshit. I work, where I lie to people and fake this pleasant disposition, I go home and stay straight faced for my son. I keep things bound in from of my friends because I know they have dealt with my relationship as long as I have and are probably just tired and run out. I cannot believe he is with her. I just want this all to stop, it just has to stop. I cant make myself not think of them constantly. I can hear them saying I love you I love you I love you.. I can remember him saying it to me. I feel like a boulder is on my chest and it cannot be lifted. Logically I know all of the things people tell me. I know in all reality I don't want him. That it wasn't working for years, and I was miserable. I truly was lonely, I truly was crying myself to sleep most nights, but I didn't want to know. I don't want to know now. I could have gone the rest of my life without hearing her voice and on top of it professing love to the man I nearly killed myself for. She does it out of spite and I realize that but it doesn't make it any easier to hear. This woman, this prostitute, she is not someone I need to be arguing with. I don't need to prove that my life is better. Somehow though, I just keep talking. Its like I cant direct the frustration anywhere else so I might as well unleash some kind of shit on her. Sometimes you want to be that ignorant trailer park crazy bitch and just hit her with a fucking car or something. It is irritating that I have tp assume this "I'm above this" bullshit. I am definitely not above this. I am definitely not above screaming "You suck cock for money!" in the middle of the street or pinning her to the snowy concrete beating her mercilessly just for being such an ignorant fuck. I know it wont help and it would just make me feel worse in the end, but I would do it. She has met his family, my family. How could he be taking this seriously? How could he honestly be treating this like a real option. I mean apparently he has for quite awhile now. Apparently he was even when we were together. Even when he was telling me he loved me every night, and I was hoping to god my son would always know his father. All the nights he didn't come home he was with her, and it makes me so sick to know that. I didn't need to know that. I didn't need to know how much he paid her the first time they had sex. I didn't need to know that when he came to my house trying to fix things and told me how much he missed me, that the next day he went to her. I never needed to know. Why couldn't you just move on? Just take your life somewhere else and never have me involved again. Disappear. I mean our child is young, he can forget you. He has that option now. Don't keep on this way so all that he knows of his father is the rage his mother feels for him.
Anxiety. I have this nausea constantly, these tears in my eyes, and all the while I'm so pissed that any of this is affecting me. I hate that I feel anything at all about it. He wasn't a good guy. He wasn't a good father, so why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I've lost this life I was never going to have with him anyways. We weren't going to get married, we weren't going to own a home, and work things out. We were going to end in shambles and everyone knew it. I'm not surprised that he set himself up with someone else before he left me. I'm probably stupid for not doing the same thing. As fucked up as it is though I love him. I've always loved him, and that is one thing she can never have. She can never know what its like to love someone so desperately that you would let them go. She refers to him as her property. She is with him so she can feel like anything in her fucked up life makes sense. Not that I wasn't with him for probably the same reason. Fuck, sometimes none of this makes any sense. I go from being angry to being guilty. Guilty of being inefficient, of acting like a child when I should just be the adult and let them live their fucked up lives. My feelings get in the way. I'm fine and then I'm sobbing in a Kroger parking lot. Its just not a way to live on. I can have this for a period of time, but I cannot stay bitter. I cannot hold onto this thing thinking it was anything more than what it was. It was short lived affection. It was good when it was, but it wasn't much of the time. It definitely wasn't for that last two years. I'm not a victim because I stayed with someone.
I don't even want to read this over. I actually don't want to be writing it at all. If I could be doing anything else I would be. Sometimes you just have to write things down. Sometimes you just have to dump all of this shit somewhere.
