I feel like a lot of men in my life wanted me to want them a lot more than I ever intended to. Men have this way with me, its pretty consistent really. They show up out of no where and express that they want me in some regard. As soon as I start to even understand what is happening they are back pedaling. I always get into these conversations where they are telling me they don't want a relationship, and I haven't even decided whether or not I like anything about them yet. Maybe I just come off that way. I am a curious person, and I am pretty open with affection. That doesn't mean I'm not terribly aware of people's flaws. Most of the relationships I've had I knew they would end. Really all of them. It isn't being negative, its just understanding what people are capable of. It's what happens when you are raised by a therapist. You understand that feelings are great and you should have them, but that doesn't mean that what you feel is real. None of the men I have dated were down with commitment. They always wanted to be around and if I wavered then they were on me. However, if I ever got comfortable they were immediately telling me they didn't think they felt the same way. I don't know what that is. I can understand when I was young because I know I got attached quickly, and could probably smother a person. I wasn't deluded about what things were though. I just do that with people. It's the same with all of my relationships regardless of whether or not they are romantic. I meet them and spend the next three months with them exclusively. I am impatient and I want to absorb everything about that person as quickly as possible. I guess that isn't how other people work. I guess it comes off like I am in love, and maybe I am, but not hallmark card love. I am in love with seeing people in this different light. I am in love with these memories I have and these things I have experienced. It's so amazing to meet a person, it's like this empty folder. Then all of a sudden you have all of these snap shots, all of these recordings of conversations. They affect me so strongly. I remember laying in bed with my friend Beth shortly after I met her. It was so hot and we were drunk as hell in our underwear. I remember the light and the room, and the way her skin looked. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful memory. I love her now, but then it was just this folder I was filling. It was just something to experience. I remember everyone thought we were going to have sex, which now seems ridiculous. If we would have, we would have and that would be something else I remember and pop on to the mind projector from time to time. I know these things aren't forever. I know that feelings are not facts. I can experience a persons body and their thoughts, and not need them for the rest of my life. I just pack them away like an old suitcase, and then go through it later on down the road. Even when I am sad over a person, even when I really wished things would have worked out, I accept the end relatively well.
Watching things fall away is what really kills me. When things are over, they are done. There is nothing to do about it so you just accept it and move on to something else. But watching it slip away, watching someones face slowly change. Seeing that love behind their eyes go away when they look at you. Remembering all of the colors and the way their hands feel on your body, and the way it was when you first grabbed them by their jacket collar and kissed them. It is painful to have these vivid memories of moments before you even opened your eyes and just hearing them breathe. Then knowing that it is all going away and you cant do anything about it. You have to watch them fall out of love with you, and try to retain everything you can before they are gone. Maybe that is why I am so impatient. Maybe that is why I want to know people as fully and quickly as I can. I know eventually they will leave, well not leave but change. People never actually seem to leave. They always seem to be skirting around years later. Crawling out around New Years remembering when we knew each other. Its hilarious. Non-committal men who darted at the first sign of any want to be their companion. Definitely still coming around 6 years later hoping I will think they are as cool as they thought they were in their twenties. I can understand the restlessness of staying with someone. After awhile you feel like your folder is full. I just don't understand being afraid of that. Accepting the end is not scary, its what happens when people refuse to accept it that is really terrifying. None the less I feel like honesty would correct all of this business. I feel like just admitting that yes I like you or no I don't want to do this would be awesome. I hate this worry that each person gets. Its like, you both don't want anything more than what you have, so instead of enjoying it you are constantly worried the other person is going to want to change it. In the end don't assume my feelings. Don't assume anyone's feelings actually. If you want to know, ask them as directly and bluntly as you can. It cannot be worse than ruining some awesome shit because you cant accept that sometimes things are just alright.
No comments:
Post a Comment