I hate communication boundaries. I put a lot into communication, I want it to be effective. I also do not like to hold off talking about anything. I want to get any issue out there as quickly and directly as possible, fix it, and move on. I do not like to avoid things. I do not like to side step issues. Though this, to me, seems like a very effective way to resolve problems, dear god it rarely works. The issue is that it takes the second party's cooperation to resolve issues. It doesn't matter how efficiently you voice your point if the other party doesn't care, or chooses to react to what you said in a brash manner. This is the greatest frustration of my life.
I got into an argument with my child's father yesterday over something minor. He had left the house with our son, and I didnt know where they were. That somehow turned into a 30 minute argument. By the end I had no idea what we were even talking about, and apparently everything would be fine if I would just not feel anxious. I could have come out of my skin. It's a conversation, Im not here trying to convince you that this is all your fault. It's like people cant hear a problem without their initial reaction being to figure out who is to blame. When we were together I wouldn't even want to bring things up. The hopeless feelings I had about the issue being resolved made me depressed and exhausted before the issue was ever voiced. It got to a point where I just wouldn't say anything at all. I knew there were serious issues with our relationship. I knew he was probably cheating on me quite a few times, but what was the point? What was the point of saying anything when it was just going to get turned on its head and then dropped. I couldn't handle all of the bottled up frustration so eventually I would explode. I would cry and completely loose my mind. He would sit there looking at me like I was insane, which I was. This is why we are not together. This is why I do not want to be in another relationship.
Come to find out, unfortunately, even if you are not in a relationship you still have to put up with these situations. Basically the only thing you can do is not care how or what anyone is doing. You have to be completely and totally self reliant. You have to be neutral. If you haven't noticed at this point, this is completely impossible for me. My need to be around other humans makes me care about our involvement. It makes me need them to understand me. Sometimes I feel like I am just running my head into a wall. I feel like it should come standard in a person to be conscious of other people's feelings. When I do things I think about how this will effect people I am in close contact with or care for. I don't just run around doing whatever I feel like. Some people might disagree, but those are probably people that I don't care very much about. There lies the small fact that results in hurt feelings. I feel like when people cannot communicate with me effectively it means they do not care to. Why else would they disregard me? Why would they argue and push back on the feelings I am having unless they simply didn't want to hear about it? I understand that this is probably not true a lot of the time, but in the moment that is the only thing I can focus on.
Defensiveness is fucking ineffective. Fear fucking sucks.
These two things are the only things that have ruined relationships for me apart from drug addiction and death. I do not fear how I feel. I am not afraid to tell people if they want to know. I am open to things both working and not working out. I am not an emotional zombie, but at the end of the day I try to be understanding and rational. Feeling defensive, is feeling shame. I am very rarely ashamed, and when I am it is generally because I am wrong. When I am wrong I like to admit it to the person effected by it. Resolution is the game I like to play. Whatever the issue, whatever the resolve, lets do it. I cannot understand people who lets these factors run their relationships. I am sure it is the same way that I cannot get over OCD or remember where my car keys are every morning. People say, "why don't you just put them on the hook?" I say, "if I could remember to put them on the hook, then this wouldn't be an issue." As my wise mother has always said, "if people could do better, they would." Seems logical to me, doesn't fix anything.
I guess sometimes you just have to accept that no matter what you do, things may not have resolution. Some things are just broken. I just try to remain calm with it all. It infuriates me, but I am sure I drive some people out there fucking crazy with my tardiness and inability to remember anything 15 seconds after you tell me. We are some flawed animals. Socially strange and ineffective, which is hilarious considering we took all this time to make a language. We spent centuries trying to communicate better, and now we are just left with a bunch of words that no one wants to use. How will we make it out alive dear diary? I suppose with much love and aggravation and by the skin of our teeth.
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