Being newly single makes way for all of these terribly uncomfortable conversations. I didn't remember this part, but I know now that those nervous feelings I had were in relation to these moments. I am single, but not really. I have my son. It isn't as simple as just starting a new with someone else. It takes work, tedious work, making someone comfortable with the idea of possibly being a part of a family that way. Especially because it isn't as if he is theirs. He is mine. It is a lot to take on and you have to know that you want it. Hell I didn't know I wanted it the 9 months I was pregnant. So you have to start out very casual and with a patience level of a toddler that is difficult for me to maintain. Then somewhere along the way there is the conversation. This "I just think it would be unfair to you.. to both of us.." conversation, that really just means woah, um I didn't agree to this. The point is that these relationships aren't for my son. I am his parent, and he has a father. I am not looking for someone to fill a void or support him. I am looking for someone for me. And unless I am with this person for an extended period of time they wont have a relationship with my son anyways. Its frustrating. I don't want to hide my son. For one, he's totally killer. Secondly, he is a huge part of my life, everything I do is for him. So why hide something so inevitable. Further more, it isn't like these men didn't know I had a child 2 years ago. This isn't new information. All of a sudden it becomes weird because I'm single and you can admit you're interested. What is that about? It was fine when you were coming over playing Guitar Hero with my sons father, but now its weird? I guess now they feel like they are going to have to be responsible for him somehow, or even for me. I just don't feel like its that big of a deal. Although I have been a parent for a bit now, and it isn't nearly the struggle that I thought it would be when I was pregnant. I was so terrified of this life I wasn't going to be able to make for him. But then he came, and he cried when he was hungry, and he slept, and days passed. Then you realize that it isn't all that difficult, at least not how you thought. I suppose I can understand why they feel that way. It is a lot scarier looking in on it than being a part of it. You get used to the life you live regardless of what it is. I am just used to the crying, and the 6am wake up call, and the constant energy that creature produces. It is still hard, it still wears you down, but you know what to expect. They don't. I don't know what they think exactly, just that it is the farthest from fun sexy times as you can get. Ha. Sometimes I want to explain to them that the longer they have sex the bigger the chance gets that they too will have some screaming early mornings in their future.
To top it off these men are 30. They are not bachelors anymore. They aren't 21 being interesting at a bar. They are working their shit job and becoming less and less of a commodity, yawning at 10:30. I dont know who or when they started implementing this fear of settling down, but it is ridiculous. How long do they think they are going to run around before the grass on the other side is the empty parking lot of the bar they're stumbling out of alone. What do they think is out there for them that is all that exciting really? I could understand if they had these big plans in play. They were going to Tibet, or were starting Grad School, but they arent. They arent doing much of anything, which is probably the source of the problem. If you cant get up in the morning and want to make it happen for yourself, then why would you do it for anyone else? If you are avoiding responsibility and adulthood at 27 for no other reason besides laziness, then why would you wrap yourself up in the responsibility of a child? I guess it is really simple.
Regardless, the system in place for people is inefficient. There is all this fear and want for something that doesn't exist. Men are told to not settle. To not be a "pussy" and let some woman change you. As if the person you are is so perfect it needs no changing. Women are told if you are 30 and unwed you are undesirable and there must be something wrong with you. We are told both to be independent and let no man run our lives, because I'm so sure all men are itching for that job. And in the same sentence say if you want to keep him you are going to have to look better and be as competitive as every other woman he could possibly involve himself with, be a blow job queen, feed him, take care of him, and try not to be so "complicated". Who is coming up with all of these rules and regulations? Does anyone even want these things? We cant help who we are and this middle ground between "be yourself" and be anyone but yourself is too wide and varied for me personally. I just want simplicity. You like me, I like you, we will put up with each other sometimes until we don't want to anymore. The end. Why is that so difficult? Why do all of these weird restrictions have to come into play every time I want to get laid, or have a cup of coffee with someone? We do not constantly have to be thinking about the impending doom of the future. I will have mine and you will have yours. Lets just enjoy each other for right now and not have this over-hanging fear that I will convince you into wearing khakis and make you move your things to the garage to make room for a nursery. I feel like I should make a recording of what I want and how I feel about relationships and play it on a first date. Like a prelude. Though it would be riddled with run on/fragment sentences as this blog entry is, I think it would be helpful and save us a lot of time. Then I will not need to spend several weeks with you just to unknowingly run myself into these uncomfortable conversations yet again. For everyone out there, if you are uncomfortable with someones life or the relationship you're in, say so. Don't tell me you need to go do laundry at 12:30 am because my son woke up and that makes you feel weird. Don't tell me that you "just don't think you can give me what I need.." when you never actually asked me what that may be. Its silliness. I'm an adult, you can talk to me like I'm an adult. Otherwise I am going to calmly roll my eyes and blow your bullshit out of the water making you feel ultra lame for attempting to pull some obvious high school break up crap with me. Get over yourself, put your big boy pants on, and be honest.
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