Middletown

I'm finding, with this dating trial and error, that I think my calibration is off. Every guy I enjoy seems to have life crisis written all over him. If you're funny and interesting and artistic, you're actually broke, addicted to some substance, and ready to woo me into taking care of you potentially forever. If you are a stand up guy with a good job, family-minded and future forward, you're actually overcompensating for your crappy personality, male insecurity masked in false masculinity, and controlling, needy, obsessive, overbearing behavior. Fuck. I know I go on and on about how much the dating world is ready to steamroll me, but its my life and you bitches will just skim some shit you don't want to read anyways.

Its hilarious to me that I didn't realize I had a type until this moment. It's incredibly obvious, but I just never thought about it. What I know I'm supposed to want, and what I'm naturally attracted to are so far away from each other. I want family. I want a home some day, I want a car that runs, and to know that there is always money in the bank. But I also want excitement. I want an element of surprise. I don't want to come home to a man on the couch everyday. I don't want to listen to John Mayer for the rest of my life. I want punk rock, I want passion, I want paint on your jeans and callouses on your hands. Its just hard to find that combination. It may not really exist and I'm just weirdly in love with some Ryan Gosling character. Is nature getting in the way? Is it even nature? Is it just some dysfunction, some daddy issue? I don't feel that way. I don't feel like I'm looking for my terribly brilliant drug addict father, though he is exactly that. And as we all know feelings aren't facts.I never really felt badly about my father not being around. I never craved that. I don't remember being a kid and being terribly effected by it. Then after I met him I admired him, but I was glad he didn't raise me. Maybe its more about my mother. Maybe I'm like her, or have an appreciation for her values so Ive ended up falling in love with the same characteristics. So, even if that is the case, is that fucked up? See what happens when you let a girl talk herself into a hole. Regardless of the why behind my desires, they are mine now. I don't know if you can combat them and still be happy. I don't know if you can deny your nature for someone who fits neatly into your life.

I was talking to my son's grandmother the other day and she was talking about her ex-husbands. She said the first one she was with for 13 years, hers sons' father. He was a drunk, couldnt write a check on his own or keep a job. Finally after trying to make that work for over a decade she divorced and later met Number 2. He was wealthy. He was the opposite. Structure, stability, security. She absolutely hated him. I think that it has to do with realizing who you actually are. You cant go too far in either direction. You cant get into one relationship to somehow counteract the previous. I dont want a three-piece suit wearing, beige carpet of a man. I think I do sometimes, but I have to accept that Im crazy too. I can be a wildcard. I am irresponsible sometimes, I like to stay up too late and my focus is not always what's best for tomorrow instead of today. But I also need someone who can anchor me. Someone who isnt running a muck with my money and my life. I need stability, I need structure, but I also need to lay around all day painting. I need a path that you can't see the end of, but isn't always a hike and slide.

Where are you middle ground?