My friend died yesterday.
He's not the first friend, and he wont be the last friend. Maybe he didnt even think we were friends. Maybe we werent. Maybe it doesnt matter. Theres a part of you that feels weirdly defensive when someone dies, protective. Its not a competition, and it is weird to feel that way. Its weird to sort of judge someones emotions. Are they valid? Did they know him well enough to feel this way? Do I? None of the answers matter, but the questions are there. Then what do you do, go eat a sandwich? It makes everything you do feel so unimportant. Then sometimes you forget it even happened. You do some online shopping, you joke with someone. You forget youre supposed to be sad. Youre an asshole for not feeling the weight of it. Your memories of this person are bullshit. You never called him, you avoided it even at times. You didnt share anything really besides this time that is gone. Then its this realization that you cant fall apart and it would be crap if you did. People die. Sometimes people just die. Your job doesnt care, your kids dont care, things need to be done. Cycle restart.
I dont know where Im going with any of this. I dont know if Im just trying to kill time.
When another friend of mine died a couple of months ago I felt similarly. I had loved him. I had spent many childhood days with him. I remember his weird laugh. I remember his awkwardness. But we didnt talk. We hadnt talked in years. The way he died was gruesome. It was self inflicted. I didnt cry. I didnt do anything. I just absorbed it. It happened.
You think this big thing is going to happen. You think youll hit this point or get this time. As if having a designated week only for sadness would let it well up and pour out. You could lay around for days unable to move and just feel it all on top of you, but it just doesnt. It just happens and periodically you feel it. These little pin pricks. These 30 seconds of weird memories and then youre turning on your blinker and the light is green. This recognition and then youre flipping a grilled cheese or having sex or washing your hair.
Life keeps happening. It will always keep happening, and so will you until you dont.
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